Praying

This song shook me the first time I heard it. It stopped me in my tracks and stole my breath. Emotional raw and powerful. On a deeply personal level, I relate to every single word. 
Praying

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Gaslight

I’m the skeleton in your closet
The past you try to hide
I am the racing of your heart
And the fear in your mind that you can’t let go

That’s the power that I have
Knowing the depth of your soul
The coldest darkest reach of your true self
I know the man that you are
The man that you keep hidden through clever words and false charm

The higher that you climb
The farther you are sure to fall
So be careful with your words
You need to hide it well
The blank and hollow center
Of a man once called a man

I’m left with the taste of bitter memories
The salt in your drink, after sweetness of mine
The radio playing and the wind in my hair
Driving in the little red car we couldn’t afford
The stale smell of your cigars and sound of your arrogance
Your laugh and your smile of complete condescension
Is all I have left of that lie you sold me

I’m the skeleton in your closet
While you built a stolen life
I’m the wreckage you forgot
While you shoot for the moon itself
All I have now are my words
So this is the truth that I can tell
Ours was not a simple story
It was my living form of hell

I still hear your voice so flat, so damaging
So I close my eyes and pray
I pray for peace and forgiveness that won’t come
And I pray a thank you that my life is no longer yours
I’m thankful that I flushed away your pills
Thankful that the real world is still faithfully here for me
And your Gaslight has finally burned out

 

Surrounded Alone

Without goodbye
You walked out of our sight
Faded away
From all of our lives

A final act
Of bitter revenge
To keep us dark
While you battled within

Tormented sadness
Fills my soul
With your last memory
Surrounded and alone

Amazing

I feel a strong need to say something tonight for so many reasons.
You are amazing no matter where you are in your life right now. You are beautiful and always just a little stronger than you think you are. You are just a little stronger than you ever need to be and you’ve got this. You cannot be broken because you are the mountain rooted in the earth and rock. The wind will bend and the tide will sway. You won’t falter. Time is a friend and worry will fade away.

You are amazing.

Silence and Strength

The more I learn in life, the more I understand how little I know.  That may sound cliché but it is true. It seems that the moment I feel like I have things together and figured out lately, another curve ball gets hurled in my direction.

I have been underestimated recently and treated quite poorly.  While I may not call the individual out directly for being dishonest, that does not mean that I am not aware.  It does not mean that I am a doormat to be walked on and it does not mean that my silence should be taken as acceptance.  My calm nature and my smile does not mean that I am ignorantly going about my day.  It means that I am waiting.  It means that I am acting with great care and caution and that I am considering my options with a tremendous amount of thought.  It means that I am the calm before your storm and that I will take the path you least expect.  It means that I will protect myself with a kind smile and quite nature until I need to act.  When I act, it will be with precision and it will be with everything I have.  I work hard and I care a great deal about what I do both in my career and personal life.  My strength now comes from knowing that I am on the right path and that I can only continue to put my best effort forward.  Controlling other people is simply not possible (or advised for the obvious reasons).   These words may sound vindictive but they are not meant in that way. I do not seek out challenges like this, but I am in a situation where I need to defend myself and I absolutely will. I sleep at night knowing that I am a good person.

This post is vague intentionally but I certainly needed to vent.  These words will give me strength as I face the obstacles ahead of me this week. I will not let my emotions take over.  I will simply smile and do my best in everything I encounter.  This is not worth any more of my heartache or tears, it is simply a crappy situation to be in that will eventually be resolved in one manner or another.  I will heed these words that my awesome mother sent me recently.

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” – Benjamin Franklin

Thank you  Mom for being you 🙂

Thank you to my husband this week for being my rock.

Just Go 

  
A meme after my own heart 😜   I may not be fast but I certainly don’t quit 🙌

Running and writing can be calming in each of their own ways.  I need more of both.  I can’t wait to run my first 5K no matter what the time may be!

Seeking Balance

I am flawed and sometimes impulsive.  If you know me, you will know where you stand with me by the way I hold my eyes.  I can hold my own in difficult situations though it can be draining and I will sometimes need time to recharge and recover. I don’t run towards conflict.  When needed, I let myself cry.  Often when I do, I have learned to write.  I don’t always share what I write but most of the time my writing will take shape and eventually lend some clarity to me.

I can be overly critical of myself.  I second guess things I say and I worry about other people’s perception of me at times.  I hold back more than I should and sometimes I have let fear stop me from sharing my feelings. The words have become suddenly stuck a time or two.  I’m certain that this would surprise a few people who know me well. This was not always the case with me and has happened over time.  I am not speaking about one specific kind of relationship, but more to all in general.  I’m making an effort now to work on that part of myself and to put myself out there like I once did.

Life is beautiful and love is more powerful than fear.